Staff Sergeant Barnes (Platoon)

In this, the kick-off entry of "Portraits of Badassery: Motherfuckers I Never Want to Fuck With," I hope to enlighten you, the reader, on the fading art of Badass-ery and the men and women who are still worthy bearers of its mantle.

For today's profile, I give you Sergeant Barnes, the biggest badass located anywhere in and around the hit film "Platoon." Played by Tom Berenger (at his scowl-liest), Sgt. Barnes is far and above the one person in this film you definitely do not want to fuck with (and this is a movie that is pretty much 100% various dudes fucking each other over)(usually with bullets)(fatally).

Just how badass is Sergeant Barnes?:

1) You can immediately tell he's a fuckin' badass just by looking at the massively legit scar that takes up 75% of the right side of his face (sadly, science does not provide us with a way to determine if this scar is too legit, or even too legit to quit). Fact: you don't get scars by asking for juice at your local beauty parlor (Shelby, I'm looking at you).

2) He's not afraid to single-handedly confront six very confrontational and violent men in a glorified secret underground pot den and demand that they try and kill him. Not even Clint Eastwood (and this is no slight against Clint Eastwood) has ever successfully infiltrated a surreptitiously located devil weed bunker, let alone gotten the chance to man the fuck up to the cold blooded killers inside. On top of that, when one of the drug addled maniacs (Charlie Sheen, of course) actually does try and take Barnes out, Barnes effortlessly beats him into submission and cuts his face with a totally sweet knife. See, this is a classic double whammy badass moment. Not only has Barnes proved his superior manhood (duh), he got to leave a little physical post-it note on the face of America's Favorite Sitcom Dad for the rest of his natural days. Clearly, as a man with a giant knife scar dominating 75% of the right side of his face, Barnes knows how to dish it just as well as he takes it. And that, readers, is one of the prime principles of Badassery.

3) As evidenced in the movie, the only successful way to fend of Sgt. Barnes involves attacking him directly with a super-sonic jet fighter loaded to the wing-tips with heavy ordinance. And then, THIS WILL ONLY STUN HIM TEMPORARILY. Pretty much anyone else on the planet probably could not stand the full force of a jet fired napalm storm/cluster fuck of missiles and explosions. Luckily, Sgt. Barnes is not "pretty much everyone else on the planet."

Kudos to you, Sgt. Barnes. You, sir, are the inaugural member of Portraits of Badassery. May you wave the standard for all that follow.

. Badass Quotient: 135%

. What it would take for me to fuck with him/her: Guaranteed reincarnation as a millionaire playboy who can fly.