Sawyer (Lost)

It's Ladies Night here today at Portriats of Badassery, so in lieu of free shots and half priced drink specials, I give you today's entry: James "Sawyer" Ford, the griftiest grifter this side of a Mississippi River rafting contest. Women want him. Men want to be him. A lady's man. A man's man. A man about town. In the crazy polar bear strewn world of "Lost," Sawyer is one of those true badasses that can shoot a gun just as well as he can read a good book (not even JFK can pretend to have been that well-rounded)(and JFK's stats were legendary).

Let's take a moment to examine Sawyer's Badassery by the most scientific means possible:


Question 1: Is Sawyer a grifter?

Answer: Yes. Thus, Sawyer is already a prime candidate for his very own Portrait of Badassery. However, since this could very quickly just turn into Portraits of Awesome Grifters (which I actually wouldn't be opposed to...), let us chart his other qualifications.


Question 2: Did a fellow grifter wreck the lives of Sawyer's parents when Sawyer was but a young child, driving them (the parents) into an immediate murder/suicide? Also, if so, did Sawyer then exact bloody revenge on this aforementioned grifter by brutally murdering him in the galley of a centuries old slave ship filled with highly volitile dynamite on a magical island?

Answer: Yes, and Yes. Bonus points received for using rusty chains (in lieu of a normal every day gun) as the method of exacting said revenge.


Question 3: Did Sawyer attend the 1982 Knoxville World's Fair?

Answer: ...Probably. While science does not have the means to construct a 100% accurate answer, we can use context clues (such as 1982 World's Fair Stationary)(most probably bought at the actual event) to ascertain he also probably bought cotton candy and rode at least one pony.


Without a doubt, Sawyer fits the criteria for Everest-ian levels of Badassery. Just for you, ladies, here are some more classic moments that are worthy of Badassery's highest marks:

. Romanced a lady in an abandonded polar bear cage, while creepy voyeurs watched.
. Built not one, but two fully functional pleasure rafts, ostensibly for "sailing off the island."
. Has stubble that cannot be fully tamed by today's modern razor technology.
. Confident enough in his badassery to adopt the French name of "Le Fleur" and still command respect and terror.
. Is a clever wordsmith with a rapier wit and an acid tongue. In as such:

Thank you, Sawyer, for your achievements in the field of Badassery, to you we wish you even greater heights. And thank you, ladies, for your patronage. For you all, I leave you one last image of James "Sawyer" Ford, may he live in our hearts forever.

Badassery Quotient: 140%
What it would take for me to fuck with him/her: My own personal pet Smoke Monster, and some more authentic 1982 World's Fair Stationary (just in case).