Eleanor Roosevelt (Historical Record)

In the early decades of the 20th century, the Women's Suffragist Movement was turning the tides of American culture, bolstering the feminist viewpoint, and paving the way for ladies everywhere (everywhere = the continental United States)(you don't want to know what was happening in Hawaii...). What the Susan B. Anthony's and Elizabeth Stanton's of the day did not realize was that they were not just changing the course of women's rights; they were setting into play a set of variables that, when combined, would create a true force of nature ten times more powerful than the ancient gods of myth and a hundred-fold more rooted in reality.

A woman. A dragon-lady that even the simplest fool knew not to cross. A weapon with more megaton force than all of the combined engines of destruction dreamed up by the Manhattan Project. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Anna Eleanor Roosevelt. A woman who defied the shackles that society placed upon her in order to rise up and single-handedly thwart the ambitions of Hitler and Tojo.

Now, while there might be some slight hyperbole in the above statements, let's take a moment to look at some actual true facts about Eleanor Roosevelt (again, these are true, according to TIME magazine):

. During FDR's vast presidency, she declined Secret Service protection in lieu of her own personal handgun she kept on her body at all times. A mankiller for which she did have a permit for, thank you very much.

. Eleanor Roosevelt is the only First Lady to have a Klu Klux Klan bounty posted on her. For her death. As in, she was marked for death by a secret nationwide cabal that existed solely to promote injustice and hatred.

. In her spare time (when she wasn't dodging racist assassins), she worked in the crime ridden slums of the Lower East Side to teach underprivileged children how to read. Not only were these mean streets already a host of unknown dangerous elements, but they were also perfect places to be gunned down by behooded killers with visions of glory in their eyes! And she never got a scratch on her! And let's not lie, even if she was shot, I don't think I'm going out on a limb by assuming she would probably have taken the bullet out and sewn up the wound by herself.

. Her (at the time) secret FBI file was over 4000 pages. And get this: it was single spaced.


Simply put, Eleanor Roosevelt challenged the status quo at every turn, and did it in a time before shoulder pads and pant suits were acceptable parts of everyday wear. At a time when most ladies were cleaning up messes in the kitchen, Eleanor was cleaning up history's greatest evils and illiteracy (which, actually, is another one of history's greatest evils). She was a nationwide newspaper columnist, a charter member of the first United Nations delegation, and a world class fencer (probably). At the end of the day, there was only one thing Anna Eleanor Roosevelt was not: just a woman.

For your viewing pleasure, Eleanor tells a joke about those zany japs:

Badassery Quotient: 180%
What it would take for me to fuck with him/her: Man, I don't know. If the KKK didn't have the stones to fuck with her, I'm gonna have to go with: the only known cure for polio, for use as a bargaining chip.

Conan the Librarian (UHF)

In this history of Badassery, only a scant few have the ability to leave an indelible impression of their badassery on your soul. And of those few, how many can say they've done that with less than one minute of face time? Today's entry, Conan the Librarian, is without a doubt, the unrivaled victor of this esteemed category. In a scant 41 seconds you will fear him. You will learn about the dewey decimal system. You will know what dark deeds accompany a late book return. And then he will stay, in the back corners of your mind, until those darkest times of need, when only a champion's champion will see you through the day.

To this day, I'm convinced that The Librarian fostered a large sense of pride and acceptance in jock culture that had never existed prior. Before 1989, libraries were the strongholds of academia and if jocks dared enter, the best they could make out of the situation was the occasional construction of a fort made out of those small plastic steps (the ones that helped kids reach those higher shelves). After 1989, the physically fit among us now knew they were welcome to enter these bastions of learning without fear of mockery nor spitballs. Truly, the wrestling captains and quarterbacks of the day were finally able to live their lives to the fullest, confident in the fact they would no longer be pigeon-holed as non-academics. They too had the grits, guts, and snuff to make it as societies top prize: the librarian.

Here's to you, Conan the Librarian, and your revolutionary dichotomy of scholarly pursuits and badass swords. And now, the clip we've all been waiting for:

Badassery Quotient: 170%

What it would take for me to fuck with him/her: Knowledge that my library card was not expired, and I had no outstanding late fees.

Marion Ravenwood (Raiders of the Lost Ark)

It's a momentous day here at the Portraits Studios. It's the day Susan B. Anthony struggled to reach, but sadly never saw. It's a day Martin Luther King probably had some kind of dream about at some point. Yes, it's the day a lady joins the ranks of Badassery. And not just any lady.

You may know her as Marion Ravenwood, archaeological foil to famed Nazi hunter Indiana Jones. But what you may not know are her other titles, such as: Queen Mayor of Awesome Town, The Steel Livered Lady of Upper Mongolia, or The One Person to Maintain Any Semblance of Respect in Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. Of all the sassy dames Indy has encountered over the years, it's always Marion that stands alone on the top of the hill. Because she has probably punched out or out drank everyone else. Twice.

Now, after doing a lot of research into why Marion stands out as THE perfect exemplar of Badassery, I came across this photo, which is a stellar summation of the available data:

Get it? In this simple action figure publicity photo, we can clearly see that Marion is as equally gifted with a frying pan as she is with a sword. The perfect woman! In fact, if we examine the items she uses as weapons in Raiders, we find a startling synchronicity:

. Frying Pan
. Swords/Knives
. Full Length Mirror
. Guns

To wit, she is as comfortable using the archeotypical weapons of a man, just as she is subverting long held symbols of femininity and domesticity into potent objects of violence. And that, fellow scholars, is pretty badass. Yes, Marion's a gal who knows her way around the kitchen. But cross her, and she'll use that knowledge to break most of the bones in your body.


Special Topics Section: Last year, we were all present for the highly anticipated film event "Indiana Jones and Kingdom of the Crystal Skull." Over the course of this movie, it can be politely said that a handful of zany events occured and then the credits rolled. Mountains of dignity lost all around. Such as:

. Indiana Jones hiding in a refrigerator and then weathering an atomic blast thanks to the lead lining of the aforementioned refrigerator.
. Shia Le Beef swinging through the tree tops of an animated jungle with a small army of animated gorillas.
. Dr. Marcus Brody reduced to statue form, and then having to suffer the indignity of having his head knocked off due to hijinks.

Through it all, Marion thankfully keeps her poise and respect, mainly by keeping wacky CGI dealings to a bare minimum. And for that, we're truly thankful. Because, let's be honest, if we wanted "hilarious" antics from our Indy Jones ladies, we would have asked for Willie Scott back. Which we didn't. Ever.

In closing, here's a fantastic version of "Anything You Can Do (I Can Do Better)" as imagined between Marion and Indy.

Badassery Quotient: 165%

What it would take for me to fuck with him/her: I would need the guarantee a drinking contest would in no way be involved, and the knowledge I wasn't dressed as a Nazi or had a French accent.

Sawyer (Lost)

It's Ladies Night here today at Portriats of Badassery, so in lieu of free shots and half priced drink specials, I give you today's entry: James "Sawyer" Ford, the griftiest grifter this side of a Mississippi River rafting contest. Women want him. Men want to be him. A lady's man. A man's man. A man about town. In the crazy polar bear strewn world of "Lost," Sawyer is one of those true badasses that can shoot a gun just as well as he can read a good book (not even JFK can pretend to have been that well-rounded)(and JFK's stats were legendary).

Let's take a moment to examine Sawyer's Badassery by the most scientific means possible:


Question 1: Is Sawyer a grifter?

Answer: Yes. Thus, Sawyer is already a prime candidate for his very own Portrait of Badassery. However, since this could very quickly just turn into Portraits of Awesome Grifters (which I actually wouldn't be opposed to...), let us chart his other qualifications.


Question 2: Did a fellow grifter wreck the lives of Sawyer's parents when Sawyer was but a young child, driving them (the parents) into an immediate murder/suicide? Also, if so, did Sawyer then exact bloody revenge on this aforementioned grifter by brutally murdering him in the galley of a centuries old slave ship filled with highly volitile dynamite on a magical island?

Answer: Yes, and Yes. Bonus points received for using rusty chains (in lieu of a normal every day gun) as the method of exacting said revenge.


Question 3: Did Sawyer attend the 1982 Knoxville World's Fair?

Answer: ...Probably. While science does not have the means to construct a 100% accurate answer, we can use context clues (such as 1982 World's Fair Stationary)(most probably bought at the actual event) to ascertain he also probably bought cotton candy and rode at least one pony.


Without a doubt, Sawyer fits the criteria for Everest-ian levels of Badassery. Just for you, ladies, here are some more classic moments that are worthy of Badassery's highest marks:

. Romanced a lady in an abandonded polar bear cage, while creepy voyeurs watched.
. Built not one, but two fully functional pleasure rafts, ostensibly for "sailing off the island."
. Has stubble that cannot be fully tamed by today's modern razor technology.
. Confident enough in his badassery to adopt the French name of "Le Fleur" and still command respect and terror.
. Is a clever wordsmith with a rapier wit and an acid tongue. In as such:

Thank you, Sawyer, for your achievements in the field of Badassery, to you we wish you even greater heights. And thank you, ladies, for your patronage. For you all, I leave you one last image of James "Sawyer" Ford, may he live in our hearts forever.

Badassery Quotient: 140%
What it would take for me to fuck with him/her: My own personal pet Smoke Monster, and some more authentic 1982 World's Fair Stationary (just in case).

Batman (Various)

Ladies and gentlemen, today I present you with one of the true titans of the Mantle of Badassery (TM): The Goddamn Batman. For those special moments in your life when you absolutely have to clear a room of switchblade-packing pill-popping junkies, you can do no better than to turn to the proverbial Shadow of the Night (as in, Batman is so flippin' stealthy, he is literally darker than the absence of light)(and then he breaks your sternum). While it is true that Batman has appeared over the years in various incarnations and in various forms of media, one constant inexorably remains: fucking with the Batman is a sure-fire trip to the operating room...and he's the surgeon. To wit (and this is one of my all-time favorite Batman badass moments), this great Batman: The Animated Series clip that features a condensed version of Frank Miller's "The Dark Knight Returns" story. The pertinent badassery starts around 4:40, but let's not lie, the whole thing is a Grade-A Punch to the Face:

Now, because there are so many conflicting versions of The Batman, let's take some time to sort out some of the myths that try and put a limit (as if that were possible) on his Badasssery Quotient:

MYTH: Batman has a code of honor that prevents him from killing.

TRUTH: While this is technically true, what we have here is actually a delicious situation in which the exceptions prove the rule. And what are those exceptions? Whenever Batman feels like acting like a complete dick because he can (i.e. even more bonus badassery points). Such as!:

1. Whatever this guy did, he must make the Joker look like the King of Cottoncandy:

2. I'm going to go ahead and assume that this guy must have set off a dirty bomb at an amusement park that was hosting Nationwide Kindergarten Field Trip Day:

3. And, finally, little known fact, Batman has an unparalleled hatred of Cossacks:

MYTH: Batman was a total lady and went and got his back broken by a guy wearing a Mexican luchador wrestling mask.

TRUTH: ...Yes. But! BUT! He had the giant balls necessary to COMPLETELY RECOVER from such a medically damning position and came back stronger than ever. He also got to study with a totally secret ninja society during this time period, and using science and math, I come to the conclusion that this is pretty much the most badass thing one can do when put into that position.

MYTH: Batman is a blues singer, when pressed by mystical villians.

TRUTH: Batman is a FANTASTIC blues singer, when pressed by mystical villians. While this fact may be a surprising revelation to casual followers of Badassery, hard core adherents will easily recognize that tremendous ass-kicking goes hand in hand with a tremendous love for the arts (see also: Clint Eastwood and his well documented love of jazz):

In conclusion: Dear Thomas and Martha Wayne, while it does indeed suck that you were gunned down in your prime at the hands of a simple mugger, your deaths have probably saved the lives of billions of people on a countless number of infinite earths (if this is the comics we're talking about). Also, special miniature Portrait of Badassery shout out to the guy portraying you in "Batman Begins," Thomas Wayne. Even though he was only on the screen for ten mintues tops, we finally got to see why young Bruce took so much meaning from your upbringing and why your death was so emotionally crushing for him. Why do we fall? Indeed, so that we may get back up again. And so Batman does. Every night. Usually zipcording down at some punk, high on goofballs. In total pitch darkness. Punching through his sternum.


.Badassery Quotient: 200%
.What it would take for me to fuck with him/her: I would literally have to be Superman, with the caveat that kryptonite was never invented and I also have no other weaknesses and Batman is in a full body cast, in a coma.

Staff Sergeant Barnes (Platoon)

In this, the kick-off entry of "Portraits of Badassery: Motherfuckers I Never Want to Fuck With," I hope to enlighten you, the reader, on the fading art of Badass-ery and the men and women who are still worthy bearers of its mantle.

For today's profile, I give you Sergeant Barnes, the biggest badass located anywhere in and around the hit film "Platoon." Played by Tom Berenger (at his scowl-liest), Sgt. Barnes is far and above the one person in this film you definitely do not want to fuck with (and this is a movie that is pretty much 100% various dudes fucking each other over)(usually with bullets)(fatally).

Just how badass is Sergeant Barnes?:

1) You can immediately tell he's a fuckin' badass just by looking at the massively legit scar that takes up 75% of the right side of his face (sadly, science does not provide us with a way to determine if this scar is too legit, or even too legit to quit). Fact: you don't get scars by asking for juice at your local beauty parlor (Shelby, I'm looking at you).

2) He's not afraid to single-handedly confront six very confrontational and violent men in a glorified secret underground pot den and demand that they try and kill him. Not even Clint Eastwood (and this is no slight against Clint Eastwood) has ever successfully infiltrated a surreptitiously located devil weed bunker, let alone gotten the chance to man the fuck up to the cold blooded killers inside. On top of that, when one of the drug addled maniacs (Charlie Sheen, of course) actually does try and take Barnes out, Barnes effortlessly beats him into submission and cuts his face with a totally sweet knife. See, this is a classic double whammy badass moment. Not only has Barnes proved his superior manhood (duh), he got to leave a little physical post-it note on the face of America's Favorite Sitcom Dad for the rest of his natural days. Clearly, as a man with a giant knife scar dominating 75% of the right side of his face, Barnes knows how to dish it just as well as he takes it. And that, readers, is one of the prime principles of Badassery.

3) As evidenced in the movie, the only successful way to fend of Sgt. Barnes involves attacking him directly with a super-sonic jet fighter loaded to the wing-tips with heavy ordinance. And then, THIS WILL ONLY STUN HIM TEMPORARILY. Pretty much anyone else on the planet probably could not stand the full force of a jet fired napalm storm/cluster fuck of missiles and explosions. Luckily, Sgt. Barnes is not "pretty much everyone else on the planet."

Kudos to you, Sgt. Barnes. You, sir, are the inaugural member of Portraits of Badassery. May you wave the standard for all that follow.

. Badass Quotient: 135%

. What it would take for me to fuck with him/her: Guaranteed reincarnation as a millionaire playboy who can fly.