The Baroness - (GI Joe)

Ahhhh, The Baroness. The thinking man's sexpot. The ultimate naughty librarian (who kicks you in the face). But most importantly, the most capable of all of GI Joe's many dangerous foes. She is like, hmm, let's say, some sort of animal. A silent animal. Silent, yet deadly. An animal that creeps, perhaps? Creeping around, silently, always poised ready to strike. The sort of animal, let's say a reptile, the sort of reptile that would attack effectively, because you couldn't hear it coming before it struck. A piercing kind of strike. Say, with fangs. A fanged, piercing strike that springs, hidden from the shadows, hidden because it has been silent prior to the poisonous and damaging strike. Poisonous, because the fangs have venom in them. Snake venom.

So, basically, The Baroness is the ruthless panther of the dreaded Cobra organization. Beautiful to look at, but more than ready to tear your throat to shreds with her massive incisors. I'm imagining two reallly big teeth here, glinting in such a way that you just can't take your eyes off of them. Really, they're just too distracting, you can't help but stare....and then she roundhouse kicks you in the face.

Now, besides being completely fetching and stunning, pray tell, what makes The Baroness so renowned for her badassery? Well, besides the fact it's kind of hard to be both fetching and stunning at the same time (I would like to see you do it, Mr. and Mrs. Trashtalker), she also reaps the benefit of having been trained in the martial arts by Cobra's other resident badass: Storm Shadow. So, quick recap (I know, this is flying by):

1) Fetching

2) Stunning

3) Intense martial arts training by a rouge ninja who viciously murdered his own sensei in cold blood (scientifically proven to be the best sort of teacher, because, hey!, Storm Shadow sure doesn't want to make the same mistakes that led to him murdering his own teacher. Amiright?)

Now, clearly, today's entry also has a lot to do with the release of the hit new classic American film "GI Joe." Portrayed by Sienna Miller, the film version of The Baroness only amplifies her trifecta of winning attributes.

Thanks to this performance though, we can add a fourth quality that simply shouldn't be overlooked: expert bedazzling. If you take the time to really study the outfit that the film version of The Baroness is wearing in the above photo, you can really admire the high detail work and craftsmanship that must have gone into creating such a finely made battlefield ensemble. And let's not lie, The Baroness is an expert at not sitting around. Right from the start of the film, she's shooting dudes in the face (after kicking them there), hanging from sweet helicopters, and unleashing deadly pandemics of nanoviruses left and right.

But, as every night has its dawn, so must The Baroness have her one demerit. And it's a doozy. You see, even though she's the fetching-est vixen this side of a succubus convention, for some inexorable reason, the one guy she is romantically linked to is...Destro. You know, the guy with the metal head. Made of metal. You know, this guy:

...Now, I'm no scientist, but, um, I can't imagine it's too much fun being intimate with a guy with a metal head. First of all, on a purely tactile level, that metal is probably going to be cold to the touch, so that's awkward right from the start. And then after that, well, there's a whole rabbit hole of problems you could potentially be getting into. And frankly, I would think The Baroness is too smart to box herself into a corner like that. Also!, what is she doing with a guy who's down with wearing that much fur? Fur is murder, people. Even when it's in the outrageous shape of a cobra hood. There is simply no excuse.

At the end of the day though, The Baroness rises to the top of the GI Joe elite. She's a fiesty lass with enough brains to teach two SAT prep classes at once and she's into metal. What else can you say? Oh right, one more word: fetching.

Badassery Quotient: 170%

What It Would Take For Me To Fuck With Him/Her: Ironically, a metal head. Just trying kicking me in the face now. Checkmate.