Liam Neeson's Character (Taken)

Ostensibly, the character Liam Neeson plays in the hit movie "Taken" is named Bryan Mills. Ultimately, you don't need to know that. What you do need to know is this:

Liam Neeson's Character (hereafter referred to as Liam Neeson) wants his daughter back, damn-it, and he's going to do whatever it takes to make that happen.

And friends, if I ever come to the point in my life where I start kidnapping nubile teenaged daughters, you better believe the first question I will ask them mid-kidnap will be, "Hold up, are you by any chance Liam Neeson's daughter?" Why is that? Because after all these years, Liam Neeson has evidently been the secret master of Badassery and hasn't really bothered to tell anyone about it until now.

I mean, sure, on the surface, he's got some things going for him already going into this situation:

1) He was Darkman, a scientist horribly scarred by toxic waste toting criminals, who then turns to a sordid life of revenge. Wearing synthetic skin of his own creation, Liam Neeson goes on a murderous rampage to take back the life that was stolen from him. Definite bonus points here.

2) He was Oskar Schindler, pretty much a one man army personally responsible for infiltrating Hitler's secret bunker and putting a violent stop to him and his mad search for mystical powers. This could also be the plot to Return to Castle Wolfenstein, so let's get back to this one.

3) He was Qui-Gon Jinn, ladykiller of epic proportions (he totally did Anakin's mom that night on Tatooine in "Phantom Menace," admit it) and knight errant of a simpler more elegant age (also, he almost won that lightsaber fight with Darth Maul, so, a couple of bonus points for effort).

4) He was (spoiler alert) R'as al Ghul, the Batman villian with eyes of cold steel matched only by the actual cold steel in his hands. By which I mean his sword. By which I mean his actual sword, with which he fights Batman, and wins! And as we all know, anyone who can best Batman in a test of physical acumen automatically gets infinity bonus points.

So.

Going into "Taken," Liam Neeson already has some serious credentials going for him. His secret weapon though, is that regardless of this extensive badass background, most people still see Liam Neeson as this soft spoken gentle giant. A kindly, older father figure who just wants to share some quality bonding time with his estranged teenage daughter on her 18th birthday. When "Taken" is properly examined, science shows us that the critical error the villains make in bringing down Liam Neeson's unmeasurable wrath, in lieu of not kidnapping his daughter, is instead actually kidnapping his daughter and then (sadly, for them) daring him to do something about it.

What occurs over the next hour and a half is one of the most enjoyable and unexpected exploits of badassery I have ever watched. Sure, knowing Liam Neeson's secret badass past, it makes sense that he'll shoot a couple of guys, maybe throw some punches, and if he's lucky, drive a car really fast past some recognizable French landmarks (spoiler alert: the film mainly takes place in France). In fact, what actually happens is so...vivid, I almost don't want to ruin the clinical ruthlessness Liam Neeson displays in categorically destroying anyone even remotely involved with his daughter's kidnapping (he just wants his daughter back, damn-it!). To wit:

1) His method of hand to hand fighting, which I was not familiar with before this movie, but according to the furious fact checkers at the IMDB is called "Pentchack Silat," involves Liam Neeson using whatever is available (guns, nightsticks, candleabras) and then ramming those objects into his victims throats as hard as he can around ten times in a row. It is stunning to watch. This happens about every five minutes, and not only does it not get boring, it somehow becomes more awesome as the movie continues.

2) Oh man, the guy stuck with actually physically kidnapping Liam Neeson's daughter gets pretty much the worst deal of anyone in the movie, or any movie ever (but of course, his main mistake: deciding to kidnap Liam Neeson's daughter). After getting slammed in the throat about twenty times and then shot, the kidnapper awakens in Liam Neeson's secret interrogation chamber for a fun little round of electric shock 'til you drop. Curious fact about Liam Neeson: he is the Emeril of electric shock torture, always wanted to kick it up a notch. So, instead of simply attaching metal clips to the dude to electrocute him (you know, standard operating procedure), Liam Neeson takes two metal spokes and thrusts them into the poor kidnapper's legs, seemingly straight into the most sensitive of bones, the leg bone (again, according to science). Liam Neeson then turns on the electric current, snaps a witty riposte, and smoothly walks away imparting one final lesson: If you kidnap Liam Neeson's daughter, he will jam metal prongs into your bones and then leave you to die via a endless steam of electricity going directly into your aforementioned fragile, fragile leg bones.

3) Liam Neeson invites himself over to the house of one of his old French colleagues for dinner (ooh, burn), and in a slightly more rude gesture, ends up shooting the man's wife right in front of him in order to get a missing piece of information. Oh, Liam Neeson, you card! Pulling the old Shoot-A-Man's-Wife-Violently-In-Front-Of-Him Gambit! Honestly though, Frenchman, a simple bullet wound is probably preferable to the alternative of getting slammed on the throat a dozen times.

4) Honestly, much much more. If you have any interest in the dark journeys a man must take in order to reclaim the one thing most precious to him, you really can't beat "Taken." Each time you see Liam Neeson inventively and bone-snapping-ly claim his next target, it's just a light feather tap compared to what's coming next.

Also, for all you would-be kidnappers out there, please watch this movie first to make sure you learn the one necessary lesson to stay alive: whatever you do, please please, don't kidnap Liam Neeson's virgin daughter. Thanks for listening!


Badassery Quotient: 300%
What It Would Take For Me To Fuck With Him/Her: An adamantium neck guard and bones that didn't conduct electricity.