Lt. "Dirty" Harry Callahan (Dirty Harry)

Pop quiz, Hot Shot Police Officer: what do you do when deranged criminals are roaming the streets and there are these pesky things called "laws" getting in your way? The Only Correct Answer: get the biggest gun you can possibly find and shoot as many bullets as possible (ostensibly towards actual/probable criminals). And if you additionally happen to be Clint Eastwood? Well, for one, everything you do is automatically set to an awesome jazz score by Lalo Schifrin, thus assuring you the maximum allotment of badass points possible. But I get ahead of myself!

I'm pretty excited, because: 1) this will mark Clint Eastwood's first appearance in this column (after many tantalizing references), and 2) I can finally prove (with proof!) that sweater vests and tweed jackets aren't just for saving Latin anymore.

Oh, what's that? I haven't mentioned the awesome robin-red sweater vests and tweed jackets that seem to be the only items that make up Clint Eastwoods's wardrobe in this movie? Check this bad boy ensemble out:

And this is what he wears literally the entire movie! The fact that Dirty Harry, seemingly a mere miniature trolley ride away from the Land of Make-Believe, is still easily one of American Cinema's greatest badasses speaks volumes about the game that Clint Eastwood brings to the table. This is a man who takes out the worst scum and trash that San Francisco has to offer, and damn if he doesn't also give them a lesson in color coordination while doing it. While history may argue for centuries if Dirty Harry was culture's first metrosexual, the simple answer is: yes, yes he was. But it's not all rolled up cuffs and rakishly askew neckties up in this piece. For one, the psychotic madman on the loose definitely isn't promoting his fall collection.

San Francisco! Jazz! The hot hot heat of a summer that lasted two weeks longer than anyone ever wanted and it's still only the beginning of June. What's a Clint Eastwood to do? Be awesome, that's what. To wit:

Awesome Things Clint Eastwood Does In This Movie:

1) Not only does he notice an increasingly in progress armed robbery at a bank two blocks away while eating a hot dog at a local diner, but he then methodically dispatches the very same armed gang of bank robbers. He does it in around thirty seconds. AND the entire time this is happening, he does not for a single second stop enjoying that hotdog meal. I've never seen a man so cool and collected while eating his lunch and causing major/lethal fire-arm damage at the same time. Needless to say, I was impressed.

2) Instead of taking time to talk down a potential suicide jumper on top of a very tall building, Eastwood simply decks the guy and knocks him unconscious. Bold, simple, and with the brushstroke of a master Zen sandgardener.

3) A madman has taken a bus and its load of children hostage. If they sing less than 60 refrains of "Old Macdonald Had A Farm," the bus will horribly explode. Just kidding! The singing is actually the horrible part. ...REGARDLESS, somehow (and without the aid of Google Maps)(remember, this was the 70's and connections speeds for Street View just took way too long) Eastwood knows exactly which highway overpass to stand threateningly atop so that he can jump off the overpass and land perfectly on top of the bus as it passes. My theory? The sweater vest also doubles as a high tech bullet-proof-mesh/innertube, protecting its wearer from a variety of environmental hazards. Protecting in style.

4) Eastwood has finally cornered Scorpio, the psychotic and infinitely less chic murderer/kidnapper. One small problem: Scorpio is using his last child hostage as a child hostage human shield (which science tells us is the worst kind of human shield). Eastwood wouldn't dare shoot at Scorpio if it meant possibly hitting the child, right? Nope! It's actually pretty delightful how breezily and unconcerned Eastwood is when he whips his gun out and blasts Scorpio away, mere inches away from every major artery and organ on the kid's body. And then! Does Eastwood check to see if the kid is okay? Nope! He actually kind of pushes the kid out of the way to chase after Scorpio some more. Genius. Pure genius.

Now....if there was only a way to showcase the all of the above in a quick thirty clip from "The Simpsons." Oh wait, huzzah!

Needless to say, while discussion of "Dirty Harry" only touches but a mere fraction of the Clint Eastwood badassery lexicon, I hope you enjoyed it as a great introduction to what you'll have in store down the road. Flinty stares, ridiculously oversized guns, and a voice so gravel-ly it puts most rock quarries out of business. (Jazz flute solo).

Badassery Quotient: All%

What It Would Take For Me To Fuck With Him/Her: I would have to be made out of diamond and then put in a cage made out of diamond to keep me separated from Clint Eastwood at all times. Oh, and the diamond cage is also on fire.

*Bonus Badassery: While he's only in the movie for maybe a half hour, the character of Dirty Harry's partner, whom I will affectionately call "Not Edward James Olmos But Probably A Cousin To," is able to legitimately keep up with Eastwood, which already puts him in a select group of maybe 50 people, tops. Keep up the good work, buddy!