Batman (Various)

Ladies and gentlemen, today I present you with one of the true titans of the Mantle of Badassery (TM): The Goddamn Batman. For those special moments in your life when you absolutely have to clear a room of switchblade-packing pill-popping junkies, you can do no better than to turn to the proverbial Shadow of the Night (as in, Batman is so flippin' stealthy, he is literally darker than the absence of light)(and then he breaks your sternum). While it is true that Batman has appeared over the years in various incarnations and in various forms of media, one constant inexorably remains: fucking with the Batman is a sure-fire trip to the operating room...and he's the surgeon. To wit (and this is one of my all-time favorite Batman badass moments), this great Batman: The Animated Series clip that features a condensed version of Frank Miller's "The Dark Knight Returns" story. The pertinent badassery starts around 4:40, but let's not lie, the whole thing is a Grade-A Punch to the Face:

Now, because there are so many conflicting versions of The Batman, let's take some time to sort out some of the myths that try and put a limit (as if that were possible) on his Badasssery Quotient:

MYTH: Batman has a code of honor that prevents him from killing.

TRUTH: While this is technically true, what we have here is actually a delicious situation in which the exceptions prove the rule. And what are those exceptions? Whenever Batman feels like acting like a complete dick because he can (i.e. even more bonus badassery points). Such as!:

1. Whatever this guy did, he must make the Joker look like the King of Cottoncandy:

2. I'm going to go ahead and assume that this guy must have set off a dirty bomb at an amusement park that was hosting Nationwide Kindergarten Field Trip Day:

3. And, finally, little known fact, Batman has an unparalleled hatred of Cossacks:

MYTH: Batman was a total lady and went and got his back broken by a guy wearing a Mexican luchador wrestling mask.

TRUTH: ...Yes. But! BUT! He had the giant balls necessary to COMPLETELY RECOVER from such a medically damning position and came back stronger than ever. He also got to study with a totally secret ninja society during this time period, and using science and math, I come to the conclusion that this is pretty much the most badass thing one can do when put into that position.

MYTH: Batman is a blues singer, when pressed by mystical villians.

TRUTH: Batman is a FANTASTIC blues singer, when pressed by mystical villians. While this fact may be a surprising revelation to casual followers of Badassery, hard core adherents will easily recognize that tremendous ass-kicking goes hand in hand with a tremendous love for the arts (see also: Clint Eastwood and his well documented love of jazz):

In conclusion: Dear Thomas and Martha Wayne, while it does indeed suck that you were gunned down in your prime at the hands of a simple mugger, your deaths have probably saved the lives of billions of people on a countless number of infinite earths (if this is the comics we're talking about). Also, special miniature Portrait of Badassery shout out to the guy portraying you in "Batman Begins," Thomas Wayne. Even though he was only on the screen for ten mintues tops, we finally got to see why young Bruce took so much meaning from your upbringing and why your death was so emotionally crushing for him. Why do we fall? Indeed, so that we may get back up again. And so Batman does. Every night. Usually zipcording down at some punk, high on goofballs. In total pitch darkness. Punching through his sternum.


.Badassery Quotient: 200%
.What it would take for me to fuck with him/her: I would literally have to be Superman, with the caveat that kryptonite was never invented and I also have no other weaknesses and Batman is in a full body cast, in a coma.